5 ways not to get emotionally invested too early in online dating
I felt more jittery about this date than before walking down the aisle for my wedding.
A year after my divorce, I set up my online dating profile on a lonely Friday night. That same night, I matched with him. Our texts started flowing the very next day. We exchanged flirty messages all while discussing our values, lifestyles, and dreams. I wondered why all my friends had griped about online dating. I found a perfect match in less than 24 hours!
After days of texting back and forth, I found myself asking why he hadn't popped the question: the 'date' question, that is. Being anything but a passive wallflower, I suggested a video call. He was on board. We chatted for an hour and a half, a record for me. But during our chat, it dawned on me that he hadn't asked anything about me. It felt like I was conducting an interview. Still, I shrugged it off; he was cool, cute, and smart. I wanted to see where this could lead.
We continued our texting spree, but frustration started creeping in. What was the point of all this back-and-forth if we weren't going to meet? So I dropped a hint that it was time we met. We settled on a Saturday evening. My heart fluttered when he told me he was excited to kiss me.
On the day of the date, my nerves were on high alert. I was so excited to meet Mr. Perfect. I chose a stylish, all-white California outfit, symbolizing my fresh start. Maybe I could have my happy ending after all.
When I saw him at our outdoor rendezvous, I greeted him with a warm smile, a hello, and a hug. He barely smiled, avoided eye contact, and remained rigid, his mask still on. I assumed he was as nervous as I felt, so I suggested we walk to ease our nerves, to which he readily agreed. But our walk felt just like our video chat - me doing the questioning, him responding without showing any curiosity about me. His responses left me cold, and his arrogant responses were off-putting. 2.5 hours later, I left feeling drained. Even though that date hit a dead end, it took me quite a while to let go of the perfect image I'd built of him.
Since then, I've been on a rollercoaster of dates. Some have been fun, and others less promising, but I've never again fallen for the illusion of perfection. Instead, I've strived to get to know someone and build emotional resilience if it doesn’t work out.
Here are five tactics that have helped me not to get emotionally invested too early:
Video chat or meet within a week of matching or texting: Texting and app chats are great for gauging if you have anything in common. If I don't enjoy texting with someone, chances are I won't enjoy a date with him. But it's also clear that being a good texter doesn't guarantee in-person chemistry or long-term compatibility. So now, I will arrange a video chat within a week of our initial conversation. Then, I schedule an in-person date if the video chat goes well. This helps me assess chemistry and compatibility before spending too much time talking to someone.
2. Hold off on regular texting until after the third date: Daily texting is the easiest way for me to build emotional intimacy. Daily connection helps me feel cared for and desired. However, now I’ve accepted that building emotional intimacy without assessing compatibility isn’t the best idea. I don’t see the point of getting attached to someone who I don’t connect with in person or who isn’t compatible long-term. It feels like a perilous path.
So, I don’t usually text much until after date three. Texting adds emotional intimacy when I’m still not sure this person is worth investing in. I don’t want to get my hopes up for someone who isn’t right for me.
This mentality has saved me from heartbreak more than once. Most recently, I went on two dates with someone I was interested in, a rarity in my world. We both had fun and planned to see each other again quickly in a few days. I was so excited about him that I broke my rule and texted him a day later to see how his weekend was going. Unfortunately, I didn’t hear back from him within a few hours.
My heart sank, knowing something was up. He texted me 24+ hours later to tell me that he had decided to get back together with his ex-girlfriend. Again, I was disappointed, but this time, not crushed. I wasn’t so invested that the pain felt acute.
3. Give yourself time to get to know someone: The most common mistake I made and see others making is building a fantasy about someone. Based on the scraps I learned about this person, I constructed an idea of who he was and who he would be to me. I imagined weekend trips to Santa Cruz and cooking Indian food together. This wasn’t fair to him and wasn’t wise for me. Imagining who this person could be, instead of waiting patiently to get to know him, built up unfounded expectations and didn’t leave room for me to appreciate him for who he was.
Now, I don’t let my imagination get ahead of reality. I try to stay curious, ask questions to get to know my date, and appreciate their uniqueness. No two people are the same. For instance, I recently went on a date with someone who had been pursuing me for a month. He seemed ideal - intelligent, handsome, fun, and into me. I didn’t get ahead of myself, though.
I was ten minutes late for our first date, and he left. I was stunned - I had texted him that I was running a little late, but I inadvertently sent the text to the wrong person. Nevertheless, I chalked up the incident to a misunderstanding and gave him another shot. Our next date was a fun walk around the Palace of Fine Arts. It was a fun conversation, but ultimately we didn’t have much in-person chemistry and had very different lifestyles.
These days, I strive to remain curious, get to know my date, and appreciate their uniqueness. I try to catch myself if I start daydreaming about a potential future together.
4. Build a life you love: I’ve centered much of my life around a partner or wished I had one. Unfortunately, this feeling of being incomplete without a partner left me prone to anxious attachment and unhealthy co-dependent relationships. I frequently sacrificed my needs and desires for my partner, leading to toxic dynamics.
Years of therapy, journaling, reading, and thinking are helping me process myself out of this way of being. Slowly, I’m beginning to see that I don’t need a partner to complete me or my life.
I’m building my life around my needs, desires, and purpose. I already have a rich life. I have plenty of friends and family who love me and who I love dearly. I’m healthy, and I get to do work that I love.
Finding a partner would almost certainly enhance my life, but I don’t need a partner to be happy. I’ve learned how to be happy on my own in big and small ways.
5. Accept that there are likely multiple people out there for you: It took me an embarrassingly long time to stop thinking about this first date. Eventually, though, I went on another date that captured my attention. And then another, and then another. Slowly, this first date gradually faded from my mind.
I’ve learned now that I don’t need to get unnecessarily attached to any one person because, in all likelihood, if one doesn’t work out, I will eventually meet another person whose company I enjoy. This hope has sustained me and prevented me from obsessing over any one person.
I'd love to hear your take. What strategies do you use to keep grounded during the online dating process?
