5 Rules to Navigate the Art of Online Dating
In November 2022, I chatted with Julie George, host of the Brown Girl Podcast, about all things online dating. Listen to this podcast episode (Spotify and Apple Music), where I talk about all my online dating guidelines.
Episode summary:
In 2021, fresh from my divorce, I was ready to jump back into the dating game. But unfortunately, I didn’t know where to start. When I first dated over ten years ago, no dating apps existed. (Yep, the stone age).
In 2021, I went on two dozen dates to try online dating. I primarily used Bumble and Hinge. I had a few good dates but felt I was wasting a lot of time on dates that weren’t going anywhere. So, I started developing rules or guidelines based on trial and error. These five rules have helped me have better dates.
Rule #1: Always schedule a FaceTime before meeting up in person.
I’ve noticed that some of my matches, who are the best texters, are the worst to talk to in person. I spent a lot of time texting with someone, only to realize within 5 minutes that there was zero in-person chemistry. Ten years ago, I had a lot of text exchanges with someone who seemed cute, clever, and witty. When we met up, he could barely make eye contact! The date was over immediately. So now I always schedule a FaceTime before the date. A quick FaceTime helps me eliminate the people I know I’m incompatible with. It saves me a lot of time and disappointment.
Rule #2: Schedule a FaceTime after a few days of texting.
I used to waste so much time texting with someone before meeting up, only to realize there was no chemistry in person. So, if my dates don’t ask me, I ask my dates out for a video chat relatively soon after we start texting to see if there's any real potential.
Rule #3: Limit texting before the first and second dates.
I've made the mistake of getting too emotionally attached to someone before even meeting them, and it's not a good feeling. I build a story about them and why this is a good match. 9.8/10 times, this is just my anxious attachment kicking in and sabotaging any potential relationship. So now, to avoid getting carried away by the idea of anyone, I limit my texting before the first few dates to actually get to know someone before deciding they would be a great match. I need to be realistic and keep my emotions in check.
Rule #4: Keep the first few dates low-cost and low-time investment.
I was at a dinner with someone once, and the date was dull. We didn’t have much to talk about, but somehow, the date ended up being 2 hours because I couldn’t think of a good way to end the date early. So, I now prevent this type of situation by scheduling a low-cost and low-time investment date. A quick drink or walk in the park is a great way to get to know someone without committing to a multi-hour dinner. And, if the date isn't going well, it's easy to exit without feeling like you wasted a ton of time and money.
Rule #5: Date in batches
People have become commoditized on dating apps. It’s easy to swipe from one profile to the next without slowing down to get to know someone. I try to minimize this dehumanizing approach by focusing on only a few people at a time. I’ll swipe until I get 3-5 matches. Then, I’ll focus on chatting with those matches until there’s a conclusion - i.e., it fizzles out, or we talk or meet up. This way, I can intentionally focus on the people I choose to date rather than mindlessly scrolling like a terrible game or accidentally swiping on people I should have considered more closely.
So, there you have it, my five top rules for online dating. It's not foolproof, but it's helped me navigate the crazy world of online dating more easily. Happy swiping!
