Raisa & Fahd

Raisa and Fahd are two college sweethearts who met at UCLA. Raisa is Bangladeshi, and Fahd is Pakistani, which caused their families to object to the union, fearing a culture clash. Read on to understand how Raisa and Fahd overcame their families’ objections and how their faith has guided their relationship. 

How they fell in love

What was dating for you like before meeting your partner? Were you actively searching for a partner? 

Raisa: I never had a relationship before this. I was a senior in college, and I was busy with my civil engineering coursework and stuff. Dating was the last thing on my mind. 

Fahd: I came to California for college, but my family was in the Middle East. I had no family in the area. All of my friends were dating. Coming from my religious background, dating was not seen as a good thing to do, and those values are important to me. I didn’t want to date and have premarital relationships.  My philosophy is if I’m going to date, I didn’t want to date casually. I wanted to date seriously. I had seen how arranged marriages work, and I wasn’t a big fan, so I thought if something were to happen, I have to take the initiative and see if I can find someone. I honestly wasn’t expecting to meet someone in college. 

I met Raisa my senior year, and she seemed to align with all my values. We had a mutual friend who had us both join an alumni networking group. I realized Raisa aligned with my values, and I tried to figure out the best way to connect, so I had to manufacture a lot of situations!

What attracted you to each other? 

Raisa: Fahd had a good sense of humor and was very confident and talkative. I’m more of a quiet person, but I’m more attracted to talkative people. It balances out. He also shares my religious values, and he’s in the same cultural community, so being Desi helped. 

Fahd: Culture wasn’t important to me. I cared more about religious values. When I started to get to know her, I realized that the values we had matched. I’m Pakistani, and she’s from Bangladesh. They’re pretty different, and you will get frowned upon as a couple. As I said, culture was more of an important factor for her. My family would prefer someone from our culture, but it wasn’t that big of a factor for me as much as religious values. She's calm and collected. If I find someone like me who is outspoken, I felt that there might be issues long term. I’m a talkative person, and sometimes I don’t filter my opinions, which could lead to natural disagreements between couples. It’s much easier to shut it down if one of us says something out of line and the other person is reasonable. If both of us tend to speak angrily, that might be somewhat problematic. Personality-wise, we were a match. Before dating and before marriage, it’s not that easy to determine if people are compatible. After marriage, there were so many things that I wasn’t anticipating. But because we are married, we are ready to accommodate each other. You don’t fully understand the person you married until you start living with them. 

When did you know that this person was the person for you? 

Raisa: It took a few months to get to know each other, and I saw that he respects me and is kind; he shares my religious values and is fun to talk to. He makes me laugh, too!

How they got their families’ to support their relationship

Were your families supportive of your relationship? If not, how did you handle this? 

Raisa: His parents were very supportive; 

Fahd: They were initially worried that she was from Bangladesh. I told them that if she was from Karachi, they would not have questioned her background even though I haven’t ever lived in Pakistan. I told them that I’m probably going to connect more with someone I went to college with and lived in America. She also has never lived in Bangladesh. I would have a cultural barrier with someone who lived in Pakistan. I’m also the younger kid, so they went with it. The main thing for my parents is religious values. 

Raisa: I told my parents within a month or two of meeting him. I met him in October, and I told them in December because they lived on the opposite coast. 

My parents were upset. They were concerned that Fahd wasn’t from our culture since he’s not Bangladeshi; he’s not an engineer (we have a lot of engineers in our family, and they wanted me to marry a doctor or an engineer), and he’s the same age (they believe the man should be older than the girl). His Pakistani background was also problematic because our countries had a war against each other. Some of my family members were very affected by the war, so it was personal. My parents both saw all the problems that the Pakistani government caused in Bangladesh. After living through that period and having your daughter say she wants to be with a Pakistani person, that was hard for them. My dad said he would never stand in the way of love. He and my mom will accept it, but they would prefer if I didn't marry Fahd. They wanted me to find someone else. We had a three or four-hour conversation. After I talked with them, I almost called it off. My mom told me to stop talking to him. 

Then Fahd said our parents shouldn’t stand in the way; that culture is something we can work around; we’re both compatible; we’re both Desi and Muslim. So I continued talking with him and told my parents again 3 or 4 months later. They weren’t pleased about the relationship, but we wanted them to accept it. We were graduating in June, and that was the perfect time to get our parents to meet. We all had dinner, and my parents liked his parents; they’re very sweet people, and my parents thought we have similar values. 

Fahd: At the time, I didn’t agree with anything her parents were saying. After marriage, I kind of understood the importance of what was going on. They have a daughter, and some random guy comes along, and they have no idea of who I am. And she doesn’t know either - she only knew me for one or two months. I didn’t expect her to tell her parents. She was already willing to fight her parents; it made me understand the importance of my role; if I’m a jerk, it can ruin many things like her relationship with her parents. 

I think that happens to a lot of people. People fight their parents for someone, and then the guy could be a jerk who ruins the girl’s relationship with her family. Raisa’s parents fully trusted her; she didn’t know me that well. You can get to know someone to a certain point, but a whole new personality starts showing up later after marriage. Before that, it’s a rosy picture. 

Before marriage, I never thought about it. If some Bangladeshi guy showed up with no cultural compatibility, they would not have a problem. But then I realized that it’s a gamble. 

Raisa’s parents didn’t know me when they accepted me. They welcomed me after meeting my parents. Maybe when I get older, there’s a lot of wisdom there that I will understand. That’s a South Asian norm -- it’s two families getting married. I knew I had parents who would rise to the occasion, but I don’t know if this was the best way to assess the situation. The parents could be nice, but the kid could be terrible.  At that dinner, neither of us barely spoke. Our parents talked. 

How they grow together as a couple and use faith to guide them

What have been some of your toughest challenges, and how have you worked on these issues together? 

Fahd: We are from different cultures so it's more of an issue for her to fit in with my extended family. She doesn’t speak the language, but she can understand it. She may feel a little left out. I wanted to have a great relationship with my in-laws, but you can’t get there unless you speak the language. That’s a barrier for me, but I don’t let it get to me. I wasn’t expecting to have a super close relationship with her family. She might have had a different expectation. She is living with me, and she is going to see my extended family 2-3x a year, so that shouldn’t affect the other 365 days. There’s also a line; there is no level of disrespect or mockery. Nothing goes to that level. 

Raisa: I think culture is the biggest issue. It’s workable. Everything else is about values. We both care about and respect each other. When we’re with our extended families, it is harder to include someone in a conversation when they don’t know the language. And thinking about the future, with culture, how are our kids going to learn our respective languages? We each want to talk to our kids in our native language; I want to speak to the child in Bangla; Urdu is much more common as the language of Pakistan. Being a member of a minority language gives me concern. 

How do you manage conflict? 

Raisa: Communication is key. We try to think rationally. When we’re angry, we don't think; we act impulsively. If we have a few hours to process, we think more clearly. We try to be calm and see their perspective. We try to talk it out. 

Fahd: Conflict didn’t happen before marriage. After marriage, conflicts are just a regular part of a healthy relationship. There are moments that I think I’m right, but there’s no point in trying to get into it and win the argument. It’s a total waste of time. I could also be wrong, so why try to get into a fight that will cause friction. I started realizing that if we’re getting into arguments, we’re not going in the right direction. Conflict should be once a month or once every two or three months. If you reduce the frequency of conflict, that means that the time in between conflicts is good. If the gap between conflicts is shrinking, you don’t have enough daily deposits of love. I realized that if I spend one night without her, like going camping without her, I miss her. I think about all the positive things that I would associate with her. It's like a big deposit in our bank account. I started thinking that if I ever get to that point, it’s healthy to have a day off to reset. There were a few instances of us coincidentally having a few days apart after a fight, and that would recharge me. 

Raisa: I think it’s good to have a variety of connections. It's important and healthy to have relationships with friends and family, kids, and the elderly. 

Fahd: We decided that we don’t get random people or family involved if we have a conflict until we discuss it. I had confidence in myself that we could solve whatever issues. I don’t want random people to get involved and give us advice without the full picture. 

What advice do you have for couples?

Raisa: Before you think about getting engaged or married, get to know each other based on questions about different life aspects. We used the following book, which aligned with our faith: "Before the Wedding - Questions For Muslims to Ask Before Getting Married" by Munira Lekovic Ezzeldine. Before, my roommate was the person who gave me that advice. When she thinks about marrying someone, she will make a Google doc about what’s important to her. I had a Google doc, but I also went through this book. We talked it out, and we felt more confident in our decision to be together. Discuss the critical issues before getting engaged. 

Fahd: Don’t try to look for just the one. Look for someone who aligns with your values, but you also have to make them the one and become the one. That’s why the fairy tale stops at marriage. You have to compromise and make each person into the one. 

And do get to know each other before you take up arms against the family. The girl or the guy might have an anger issue after you fought your whole family to be with them. The intellectual part of your brain is closed off, and the emotional part is functioning. And maybe that’s why parents are thinking about superficial things such as status, money, and beauty.

Something that works for us is that our values are set based on the religion that we believe in. Culture is man-made. Everyone is right or wrong based on a spectrum. But religion is the decider that goes beyond culture. 

For example, my mom took my dad’s name; my cousins took their husbands' names, but that’s not the case in her culture. There’s no concept of family lineage last name. So it’s not her norm that she would change her name. From a religious perspective, it’s wrong to force girls to change their names. I’m on board because our religion is the highest level of authority. There’s no reason for me to ask her to change her name. 

In my household, the woman does more of the chores. In her family, it’s more split up. That’s also in our religion as well. We have an objective arbitrator in our religion to compel me not to say this is how it’s done in my household. That would cause friction. We have an arbitrator in religion - the guy is supposed to split the work. Without that arbitrator, I would have to disown my family’s practices. How many more compromises would we have to make? What about her taking my name? I don’t see it as a compromise because we are using objective arbitration. If the decisions are from a cultural or societal perspective, I would think that these two instances are me compromising for her, causing resentment. It’s kind of like we have a guidebook in our religion. 

I wasn’t looking for someone with a Muslim name. If their cultural norms were the highest arbitrator and not Islam, that would be a problem for me because we wouldn’t have that objective guide. There are a lot of women who wouldn’t put religion at the top of their values. That is something we think about. It's easy for me to talk to her because of religious reasons. She’s not going to be taken aback. It doesn't have to be a cultural competition that’s subjective and would cause problems. I envisioned what would happen. You have to be smart about who you’re choosing. It can’t be just love at first sight, or she’s pretty. You have to think it through. Bollywood movies don’t go through all the processes; we don’t see the consequences of how these relationships are being formed. That’s why the divorce rate is so high in this country. 

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