Shilpa & Isaac

Meet Shilpa & Isaac, a couple who met serendipitously one evening when one of them had given up on love and the other was on his way to Korea. These two have braved long-distance, troubled relationships, and family conflict. Honesty, fun, and dedication guide their relationship. Read on to learn more about how they met, how their relationship blossomed, and how they overcame their struggles. Learn more on Shilpa’s blog and podcast, where she discusses controversial topics. And watch their gorgeous sundrenched wedding elopement video here. 

How they fell in love

What was dating like before meeting your partner? 

Shilpa: My dating life was a hot mess. I didn’t know how to date. I had gotten divorced when I was 30 or 31, and I had been with my ex for ten years. The men I dated before that were nearby. I didn’t know how to date. I tried dating apps, but It was lonely. I kept attracting not the best guys, but I kept dating. Finally, I got fed up and gave up on dating. Then I met Isaac, and that was it!

Isaac: I went through long-term relationships, and between these relationships, I used apps like Tinder. A buddy of mine was in a good relationship, and I realized that I wanted to be in a good relationship, but I was in a bad long-term long-distance relationship. I was continually cheating every time I was away from her. I didn’t want to be that man. I decided I wanted to be a good friend and boyfriend and have a meaningful relationship. 

How did you all meet? 

Isaac: I was alone for a few months before I met Shilpa at a bar while moving to South Korea. At that point, I didn’t want to bring someone into my life who I was going to hurt because people get attached quickly. When I met Shilpa, I told myself that if I’m going to be with this girl, we have to have an understanding that we’re going to be friends. Even if I’m in South Korea and she’s in Los Angeles, we’re going to be friends. 

Shilpa: We didn’t have intentions of dating because we were long distance. We were attracted to each other and wanted to be friends. 

Isaac: We became very close friends. We were open to each other and being honest. We accepted everything in each other’s life before we met each other. 

Shilpa: It was hard because I went on many app dates and people have their walls up. It can feel inauthentic.  I didn’t care to date him because he was leaving, so I dropped my expectations. Because we dropped our expectations, we were able to be open with each other.

What attracted you to each other? 

Isaac: She’s hot! She was sitting alone under a light, and I wanted to talk to her. Then her friend came over, and I didn’t want to disturb them. I was getting ready to leave, and we locked eyes. I worked up the courage to say hi. 

Shilpa: I was staring at him before he came over. I had to go back to Dallas that weekend, and we texted all weekend. That never happened with all the Tinder dates. He seemed different from all the creepy men I had met on Tinder. He also offered to pick me up from LAX, and in LA, no one wants to go to the airport. I didn’t even have my friends and family picking me up. That effort showed me that he cared about me. 

How many days did you spend together before Isaac left? 

Isaac: We went on six dates, maybe over ten days. 

How did you know the other person was the person for you?

Shilpa: I don’t like the word “easy” because relationships aren’t easy, but we got into an easy natural flow. When he left, I sobbed. I didn’t expect that. 

Isaac: She kept showing up. I would show up. We had this strong emotional attraction to each other. When I left, we realized that this wasn’t something else. I had never met someone who I was able to talk to for hours. I had never met anyone who wanted that. 

Shilpa: I still didn’t want to do long distance. Then he left, and I was sobbing. Then we talked every day. We didn’t realize that we wanted to be in a relationship until about a month.

Isaac: When we started to get into confrontations, I realized that we could talk out the conflict and love through them. 

Shilpa: That we were comfortable saying how we felt even through the tough conversations and disagreements. 

We also aligned in our vision of the future. It helps that we had a similar non-traditional vision of freedom, travel, and business. I had the traditional Indian lifestyle, and I didn’t want that. Recognizing that was key. 

Isaac: Before we got together, the vision was I would stay in the military, and then I’ll retire. 

Shilpa: He didn’t have it in his field of vision that we can make our life. Let’s make our life more exciting and fun. 

So you knew in a month that you wanted to be together long term? 

Shilpa: 100%. We knew that quickly. 

Isaac: We intended to find someone. And what does that mean? For us, the goal was to have a family and kids. 

Shilpa:  I was 31 or something. I wanted a life partner to build a life together, to have a family, and have children. 

Isaac: I knew that I didn't want to be the person I used to be. What was the opposite of that person? A responsible adult male who could take the responsibility of having a wife and a family. It’s still one of the pillars of our relationship. Constant growth and constant adaptation. 

How they overcame family challenges and learned how to handle conflict

What have been some of your toughest challenges, and how have you worked on these issues together? 

Shilpa: Family.

Isaac: Learning how to communicate when we are emotional. 

Shilpa: Long distance is hard. We had to go months without seeing each other. It was also the biggest blessing because it helped build the strong foundation of our relationship. We had to talk things through. I know the feeling of hiding emotions, so I pushed myself to be open. I wasn’t taught to communicate very well. Sometimes I shut down, but Isaac pulls me out of that. 

Isaac: In our opinion, there's a lot of trauma that helped mold us into who we are. 

Shilpa: We don’t curse at each other; we realize that whatever we are upset about is a trigger. Why did that upset you? How do you want me to deal with this moving forward? We just literally talked through everything. 

Isaac: Learning to communicate through our egos was important.

Shilpa: Yes. We are getting to the resolution instead of attacking each other. Not labeling each other with terms like “he’s a jerk” or “he’s lazy.” I don’t want to go back to past behaviors I showed in my other relationships. When I see these behaviors, I think that this is reminiscent of old Shilpa. We push each other to communicate as openly as possible and for the other person not to be judgmental. We recognize the other person as an individual, and we talk a lot. 

Isaac: Getting rid of that scorecard was a challenge for me. I can’t bring up last week’s issues if I didn’t address it then. 

How do you manage conflict? 

Isaac: After a conflict, we take time away from each other. If we’re getting too emotional or the voices get too loud, we take a break. Our anger will dissipate, and we will come together. 

Shilpa: 100% complete honesty. Transparency. If we’re too worked up, I'm the one likely to take a break. We come back together, and I remember that I love that man, and I don’t want to be fighting. 

How did you learn how to have healthy conflict?

Shilpa: I wasn’t very skilled at communication skills at 23. I was the opposite. In my first marriage, I could never communicate. I was always afraid of sharing how I felt. Seeing all the faults in my old marriage and knowing that I didn’t want to be there again pushed me to learn how to communicate. I dealt with a lot of shame. As Indian women, we aren’t always allowed to be who we want to be. If you didn't follow the rules, you’d have a bad reputation. I always wanted to please the people around me. Even if I felt uncomfortable, I would let someone say or do whatever they wanted. Therapy created a safe space to share my truth. That’s what kicked it off and gave me a lot of knowledge about communication. I was always in situations where somebody tested my communication skills, and every time I felt that fear, I knew I had to say something. Working on healing helped me be a better communicator. I realized that I don’t have to be so scared of sharing my truth as long as I’m lovingly speaking my truth. 

Were your families supportive of your relationship? If not, how did you handle this? 

Shilpa: My family wasn’t supportive because they hadn’t met him. He was also Hispanic and a lot younger than me (8 years younger) and in the military, so they were doubtful. They didn't trust me to make these decisions for myself. 

I did things unconventionally. I got married before my family met Isaac. I only told them two weeks ahead. Then we went to Dallas to see my family, and my parents cooked a lot of food for us and were very welcoming. 

My siblings were colder because they didn’t know him. As they get to know him more and see him around, they trust him more. We just went to see them a few weeks ago. I also learned how to create boundaries. I don’t need their approval. I know he’s a good man and we’re good together. They’ll open up to him as time goes on.

Isaac: My mom was super excited. She was happy for me. My dad was more reluctant. He was upset because I didn’t tell him before we got married. They expected to know and approve of my partner. They realize that we are happy. 

How they keep investing in their relationship 

How do you keep your relationship fun and connected? 

Shilpa: We try new things. We live in a small town, and we’ll go hiking. We do weird dances and play music. 

Isaac: We try to tap into playful, childlike behavior. We do new things like exploring a new schedule or exploring a new part of town or meeting other people. 

Have you participated in any couples therapy? 

Shilpa: No, but we have our therapists, and that has helped us on our way. 

How else do you invest in your relationship? 

Isaac: The most significant investment is the time we make to discuss things. She’ll read an Instagram or Facebook post to me, and we will have many conversations about it. 

Shilpa: We also listen to and discuss podcasts. And I’m continually reading quotes to Isaac and discussing what that means to our relationship. 

Isaac: We don't always agree, but we will talk through the disagreement. 

Shilpa: Talking openly about our issues helps. We can listen to each other. 

What advice do you have for couples?

Shilpa: Talk about everything before you decide to invest. Talk about if you want a long term relationship, if you’re going to have children, and what kind of lifestyle you want. Do you want something stable, or do you want to travel? And see if that other person aligns with yourself. And learn about yourself. I didn’t realize that I wanted a freer lifestyle in my first marriage, and I didn’t know how to communicate that. Things will change, and you will change, but you have to know your persona. 

Isaac: Learn that person. Keep asking “why” and knowing how to communicate “why.” If you’re trying to get to know someone, you might ask them questions like, “what are you afraid of?” “What else are you afraid of?” Why? Challenge each other with those why questions. And learn how to communicate with each other. 

Shilpa: 100% transparency & honesty. if you can’t be 100% honest with this person, who else can you be honest with? The world is a lonely place. 

Isaac: I know that certain words are going to trigger her. I’m going to say my truth honestly in a loving manner. And if I don’t, she’s going to get triggered. I have to know her, and I have to learn how she listens while also honoring me. 

Shilpa: Be able to take ownership and not just blame your partner. If your partner is afraid of coming to you because they’re afraid of guilt and shame, try your best not to be judgmental. It’s hard, but it’s something we practice. 

Isaac: If I think she's being mean, I would speak up because I felt triggered. 

What resources do you recommend for couples?

Shilpa: The Gottmans are great. 

Isaac: I’ve liked Jordan Peterson’s work about adopting responsibility and learning how to communicate that.

Shilpa: I loved Brene Brown’s Ted Talk on vulnerability; it helped me realize the power of being vulnerable and courageous. I also enjoyed Love Without Conditions; it’s a more spiritual book. Attached is good too, but I don’t like labels that don’t change. I appreciate it to understand what can happen in a relationship and how to create a more secure attachment.  

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